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Saturday, October 16, 2004

I went to a church picnic today and had a good time, I took canned ham. We played volleyball, croquet, the men played horseshoes, the children played "the popcorn game." Children then ladies played three-legged race. Children played football, and a few of them threw the frisbee. It Was fun. Later Scott showed up, the one I like, and put his chair in front of mine facing the other way. I commented on it and he said it was because he wanted to talk to Robert. Sis Faye acted like she felt bad for me at the end. she and her husband are the one's I confided in. I think it is good that I put out the fleece. One thing about this guy I don't like, he is a single guy in his 30's, and he likes children inordinately. I just find that strange. They like him too ALOT.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

A brother showed up for church whom I know from years ago. I have already asked him out on one occasion and he never returned my phone calls. He got saved and the next service or so I realize that I still feel that I am in love with him. I begin to have delusions about him. I get to the point where I am actually online looking at wedding dresses, but I tell the Lord at one point that I want to know this is of him and that my fleece is going to be that he asks me out. I'm not going to crash and burn by asking him out again. What I mean by a fleece is proof that something is from the Lord, like Gideon asked that the Lord make a fleece dry and dew around it wet and then the next night the fleece wet and the ground around it dry as a confirmation, he just wanted to be sure. I am disappointed. It felt so good to think that somebody loved me, that was the greatest feeling in the world. I thought that this brother kept looking at me, and that he kept showing signs that he liked me and it still seemed that he did, but whatever...this brother also acted years ago like he was in love with me and that I broke his heart I thought but that might have been my imagination or something...the reality check was when I asked him out and he said yes then never returned my calls, though he still acts like he likes me, but innuendo is not suitable. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him." The devil thinks he can bring confusion and delusion into my life and I will get disappointed and angry with the Lord but I am going to hold steady with the Lord. Yes, it is difficult to let it go, the tendrils are entwined, and I am having a hard time believing that this fantasy world is a delusion after all even after I have been shown that it is, but Devil, the Lord will help me, and I will let it Go, and I will never get mad at the Lord over it, it will only serve to draw us closer.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

The devil tried to get me real discouraged in between services today.

Still saved, sang two songs in church "Heart of Worship," then a request, "Jesus Built a Bridge." I ordered a new Jokari online, for the same price I got the used one for from ebay before. That is the toy that got messed up, tangled on the overhead wires.
I think the Lord did deliver me from schizophrenia, as I have noticed it is easier for me to have conversations now and people aren't treating me like I'm crazy.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

I am still saved. I am learning how to have faith. One of the first things that happened to me after I got saved was that I bought my son a Jokari. It is a ball on an elastic string with a weight on the end, and you hit the ball back and forth. We went out in the street to test it out. After five or ten minutes it got tangled up an a wire I didn't realize went right over the road. The Jokari cost about 30.00 and we only had it a few minutes. Well Bro. Ken, who is, I guess, our pastor now, had told me to put scriptures up on my wall about faith and trust. I came in and read, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust..." from Job. I decided to trust God anyway. Now everytime I see the ball out there hanging from the wire, it reminds me of the time I trusted God.
I was believing the Lord to deliver me from schizophrenia, then it felt like he didn't, like nothing happened when I went up to get prayed for, and I got totally confused about whether I need to just have faith and did get delivered or whether I didn't. I decided that even though I am confused and don't know what to think, I will trust God and keep serving him.
My son is going to a family reunion tomorrow with my aunt. I have elected not to go.

Monday, September 20, 2004

A bunch of people left my former church -- most of the congregation actually, and they have started a church here in Morganton. It is not close enough for me to ride my bike there, but I have been getting a ride with a couple who go to church there. Everyone is glad to have me back, it seems. Wednesday, September 15, 2004 I got saved.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

I found out I am diabetic. I have been to two classes on it, and went to the doctor again today. He upped my meds and added a new med, so this should help me greatly as far as my health goes. I keep having pain in the center of my chest...had an ekg, and it was fine. I am thinking maybe it is an emotional/spiritual thing, my heart turning to stone?
I was in a church of God Yahoo group and asked for help regarding my need for salvation, also argued or discussed a point of doctrine with the moderator, somehow this antagonized him and he began acting toward me like my former pastor did. I ended up leaving the group to get away from it, but made a friend who is willing to pray for me and help me through this. The Lord gave me a scripture showing me that I don't have faith in him, that is why I go ahead and sin instead of seeking full deliverance at all times. I also realized that I want to do some of these things, like smoke, and curse just occasionally (for emphasis). That explains why I cannot get a good experience.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

By the way, I only had about four days of abstinence. I have really been in the junk. Pizza, pot pies (on sale) ice cream (also on sale) etc etc. I bought about ten sodas today. I joined Netflix for a free two week trial, and found a lot of DVD's I am interested in on the site. May try to stay a member. My local movie rental place certainly doesn't have all these movies. I am enjoying the high speed internet. Also got two calls on mobile phone today, so yay, but I need to know how to turn up the ringer. I have been looking online at onlne colleges. My dream degree would be fashion design, taking classes in apparel construction etc, but I can't do that online. I can't handle the technical degrees like information technology so the only one offered that I could take would be Business Administration pretty much -- or something along those lines. I think there may be a Fashion Marketing degree I could go for. I want to keep looking into it, but usually I lose interest and move on to the next thing. I am thinking also of getting my psychiatrist to sign a form declaring me totally and permantently disabled, which means I wouldn't have to pay back my student loan but I could never get Financial Aid again. My mind is kind of shot. I am not as smart as I used to be, and I have trouble concentrating if I am reading something long or complicated.

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