Thursday, April 15, 2004
I had a bad day where I was mad at the Lord. I committed a sin. One sin several times. The next day or so I repented, confessed, asked forgiveness, and was restored to salvation by the Lord. So I am okay now. That is what is meant by, "If we sin, we have an advocate with the Father." It doesn't mean habitual sin, because habitual sin shows that the person never has truly repented, and they aren't saved, or they would have the Power of the Lord to help them overcome the world.
Sunday, April 04, 2004
One thing I have to add to keep this honest.
I screwed up again and prayed a selfish prayer, I think it was for a dollar to rent a movie.
It's not that I never pray for myself. I feel like the Lord showed me to pray for my needs instead of wants. But this I prayed with my son during the day, and so I began searching around for some change or a dollar bill.
I thought I was supposed to look in a certain box in the basement.
In that box was an old easter basket and sealed cards my aunt never delivered to the proper recipient, being from members of her former church addressed to others. They were several years old. Once again, I opened sealed envelopes as I did before with the pizza thing. These envelopes had no cash in them. It was wrong of me to open those sealed envelopes even if they never were going to be given to the proper recipient.
My aunt was a pastor, and someone gave her the basket and envelopes to deliver apparently, and she neglected to do so. She is not pastor there anymore.
A while ago I had a conversation with another mother, one of my son's friends mothers.
Her name is Kim. I told her Justice has racing thoughts, and she said that is a symptom of ADD or ADHD. It encouraged me to look into that.
So I told my aunt about the conversation and she acted like she had been saying all along Justice had ADD or ADHD and I was only now realizing this. She has never mentioned it before.
I am not doing good at being meek and just taking the things she says. She also brought up another subject and insulted me. I said, "Thanks," and walked out. Sometimes I feel like I just can't take it anymore.
About these negative revelations about my family. The Lord showed me this is not equal to his revealed will. He just got me in touch with my feelings. In other words, my feelings are that my grandmother wanted me fat. It is something I have always known and yet blocked out. But it is not the word of the Lord that she did want me fat, nor just because I hate her is it God's will that I hate her. I have to know what my feelings are first, though, before anything else will be revealed.
I thought knowing my feelings, getting out of denial, would cause me to feel happy and also not to overeat. So far, nothing has resulted. I feel terrible and still overeat.
I screwed up again and prayed a selfish prayer, I think it was for a dollar to rent a movie.
It's not that I never pray for myself. I feel like the Lord showed me to pray for my needs instead of wants. But this I prayed with my son during the day, and so I began searching around for some change or a dollar bill.
I thought I was supposed to look in a certain box in the basement.
In that box was an old easter basket and sealed cards my aunt never delivered to the proper recipient, being from members of her former church addressed to others. They were several years old. Once again, I opened sealed envelopes as I did before with the pizza thing. These envelopes had no cash in them. It was wrong of me to open those sealed envelopes even if they never were going to be given to the proper recipient.
My aunt was a pastor, and someone gave her the basket and envelopes to deliver apparently, and she neglected to do so. She is not pastor there anymore.
A while ago I had a conversation with another mother, one of my son's friends mothers.
Her name is Kim. I told her Justice has racing thoughts, and she said that is a symptom of ADD or ADHD. It encouraged me to look into that.
So I told my aunt about the conversation and she acted like she had been saying all along Justice had ADD or ADHD and I was only now realizing this. She has never mentioned it before.
I am not doing good at being meek and just taking the things she says. She also brought up another subject and insulted me. I said, "Thanks," and walked out. Sometimes I feel like I just can't take it anymore.
About these negative revelations about my family. The Lord showed me this is not equal to his revealed will. He just got me in touch with my feelings. In other words, my feelings are that my grandmother wanted me fat. It is something I have always known and yet blocked out. But it is not the word of the Lord that she did want me fat, nor just because I hate her is it God's will that I hate her. I have to know what my feelings are first, though, before anything else will be revealed.
I thought knowing my feelings, getting out of denial, would cause me to feel happy and also not to overeat. So far, nothing has resulted. I feel terrible and still overeat.
I want to put uncopyrighted religious books on the web. I have this attitude, "I am going to do it." I need a new attitude. I don't have any business doing anything unless it is the Lord's will.
I had a bad day the day before yesterday. I was driving in moderate rain on the highway with a defective windshield wiper on my side, and I kept having all these panic attacks. I hate it when people slow down in front of me or put on their brake or change their rate of speed often. Also I lost (and found) the car remote and my debit card during the shopping trip.
My mood was really bad. I had no victory, in the trial. I was very anxious.
I ended up not laying away a computer but I paid to have the cable TV on and bought a scanner. The reason I bought the scanner is for the purpose of putting the copyright free books on the web. I bought some items for my son as well.
I have been reading obeygod.com and stopsinning.net and obeygod.com burnt me up on some things, like doing things that are for entertainment instead of always concentrating on the Lord's work -- saving of souls. They are street preachers. I got to thinking I was not even saved, but the Lord showed me I am still saved.
These web sites tell many good things, that cannot be refuted through scripture.
I wonder if they have a preach spirit, though. If their salvation rests on having to go out and preach. We should all work for the salvation of souls, but we have to be led of the Lord. Jesus said go out and preach the gospel to every creature. Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything. I want zeal, and I want to win souls. I need wisdom, not just zeal.
I wonder if I did the right thing about paying for the cable to be turned on. At the time I felt I should do what was in my heart. I want there to be two activities available in the den, either two computers or computer and TV. As it was, there was only the computer and only one person at a time could be on it.
The way the testimonies on obeygod.com made me feel is that I should get rid of the video games, not have the cable hooked up, and if my son is bored, have him read the Bible or something.
There is a difference in fanatic and somebody endeavoring to walk closely with the Lord, and surrender all. The first is not led of the Lord, though they think they are. The second one is led of the Lord.
I still have not sorted all this out, but I will make progress on it and report.
I know I need to quit making rash foolish mistakes in my walk, and also have more victory in trials.
The rash foolish mistakes I have made are that I taught my son the european symbol for "up yours." Hand and upraised fist. I should have slowed down and realized thouroughly that wasn't right. I felt a check in my spirit but plowed ahead anyway.
I thought I heard my son cuss and I asked him if he said the word ---- and said it to him. He didn't say the word, but I DID. What an idiot!
I am very worried about the ungodly things we might see on TV, and whether or not it will ruin us.
I am worried about my son. He is growing up so fast, and I need to impart spiritual lessons to him. I read him a Bible story most nights but he needs to be learning more before he leaves home.
I am not meek with him. Sometimes I play fight with him and slap at him and such. I also have this way of making up names to call him. I call him Dwayne, and that means dumb, and I tell him he is a loser and I called him an imbecile the other day twice.
I want him to straighten up so bad and quit back talking and acting lazy about everything, and defiant!
I had a bad day the day before yesterday. I was driving in moderate rain on the highway with a defective windshield wiper on my side, and I kept having all these panic attacks. I hate it when people slow down in front of me or put on their brake or change their rate of speed often. Also I lost (and found) the car remote and my debit card during the shopping trip.
My mood was really bad. I had no victory, in the trial. I was very anxious.
I ended up not laying away a computer but I paid to have the cable TV on and bought a scanner. The reason I bought the scanner is for the purpose of putting the copyright free books on the web. I bought some items for my son as well.
I have been reading obeygod.com and stopsinning.net and obeygod.com burnt me up on some things, like doing things that are for entertainment instead of always concentrating on the Lord's work -- saving of souls. They are street preachers. I got to thinking I was not even saved, but the Lord showed me I am still saved.
These web sites tell many good things, that cannot be refuted through scripture.
I wonder if they have a preach spirit, though. If their salvation rests on having to go out and preach. We should all work for the salvation of souls, but we have to be led of the Lord. Jesus said go out and preach the gospel to every creature. Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything. I want zeal, and I want to win souls. I need wisdom, not just zeal.
I wonder if I did the right thing about paying for the cable to be turned on. At the time I felt I should do what was in my heart. I want there to be two activities available in the den, either two computers or computer and TV. As it was, there was only the computer and only one person at a time could be on it.
The way the testimonies on obeygod.com made me feel is that I should get rid of the video games, not have the cable hooked up, and if my son is bored, have him read the Bible or something.
There is a difference in fanatic and somebody endeavoring to walk closely with the Lord, and surrender all. The first is not led of the Lord, though they think they are. The second one is led of the Lord.
I still have not sorted all this out, but I will make progress on it and report.
I know I need to quit making rash foolish mistakes in my walk, and also have more victory in trials.
The rash foolish mistakes I have made are that I taught my son the european symbol for "up yours." Hand and upraised fist. I should have slowed down and realized thouroughly that wasn't right. I felt a check in my spirit but plowed ahead anyway.
I thought I heard my son cuss and I asked him if he said the word ---- and said it to him. He didn't say the word, but I DID. What an idiot!
I am very worried about the ungodly things we might see on TV, and whether or not it will ruin us.
I am worried about my son. He is growing up so fast, and I need to impart spiritual lessons to him. I read him a Bible story most nights but he needs to be learning more before he leaves home.
I am not meek with him. Sometimes I play fight with him and slap at him and such. I also have this way of making up names to call him. I call him Dwayne, and that means dumb, and I tell him he is a loser and I called him an imbecile the other day twice.
I want him to straighten up so bad and quit back talking and acting lazy about everything, and defiant!
