*Salvation* 100% Honest - Is it real? You be the judge. Failures, flaws, and victories.

By the way, I forgot to say that I got saved again, last Monday while reading a book called "Christie's Old Organ." I prayed while reading the book several times for salvation, and the last time the Lord answered prayer. The last prayer was different. I wanted the Holy Spirit to enable me to keep from sinning. God is faithful.
And he has given me abundant faith. Working the 12 Steps of OA is helping me, like for instance step two: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I believe.

I feel like I have the key to the universe, finally.
Never give into sin, by the power of God. Never never never give into sin. It is death.

Getting on Medicaid is major. Now I can get my prescriptions I need, and go to the doctor when I need to.
Thank you God.

By the way, the mother took her son for the few hours between pool and roller rink, so I didn't have to worry about him.
The kid did invite himself to spend the night Friday, and I got a resentment, but I'm over it. I was angry, because I invited him to go to the Hot Diggity Dog Festival downtown, and he told his mother I invited him to spend the night as well. The mother called back and spoke to my aunt and she said it was okay. The good part was my aunt ended up taking care of the boys during the sleep over.
Also, today my son prayed he would get to play with one of his friends up the street, and he was able to do that. The friend is very busy, has a busy schedule, so he is not always available.
Melanie's phone company is also Bellsouth, so that didn't help any.

I have three days of abstinence. That is OA speak for, I have not overeaten in three days. This is a major answer to prayer. At many altars I have prayed for release from "gluttony." This is God bigtime, answering prayer.
I am still unsaved, still having a problem quitting cursing.

My son and I did not go to the pool last night, but we went today and only stayed about an hour and a half. Later a friend came over and they went to the pool but they were closed for a swim meet. They went to play tennis instead. I let the mother talk me into having the friend come to the pool tomorrow to swim with my son, but that means I will have to watch them for two hours after the pool closes for the daytime until skating, and I am fed up with the kid's attitude right now, plus that means I will have to feed him dinner which I resent because it happens too often and the kid complains about the food, so I am feeling kind of bad. The friend's mother said I could have gone into a diabetic coma with blood sugar level of 444. I don't know. I tried to be abstinent today but around three my stomach started hurting and I had to eat. I need to be on medicine for acid reflux.

I went and fellowshipped with the saints. It was great. While I was there, however, Sis Greer offered to test my blood sugar two hours after lunch. It was 444. It should have been 128 or so to be normal. This says that yes I do have diabetes. I realized that I am a food addict. I am doing something that is destroying me and I keep doing it. I used to be in Overeaters Anonymous, but the leader of my group was jealous of me. She made me Literature Chairperson, and immediately took away my job, said she would buy the literature when she was in Charlotte.
S sabotaged me in OA. I was abstinent and had lost lots of weight, and I looked good. She knew I liked M. She talked me into giving my story, even though I wasn’t ready for it. She said M would be there. Of course M wasn’t there. As soon as I gave my story it was like I lost all power to be abstinent. I think the next day was the day before Thanksgiving, and that was the day I lost my abstinence. I was searching for my Aunt’s house, and she had given very bad directions, and finally I got fed up and bought, then ate, something that I shouldn’t have. The next day I was around my family and my grandmother was pressuring me to eat breakfast even though I didn’t want to. The combination of all this was I lost my abstinence and left OA and the abuse of S.
Today I got back into OA. I have worked step one, and I have contacted a woman who was recommended to me as a sponsor. Waiting to hear back. I also went to an online OA meeting. I went to Walmart and looked at different water filtration systems, priced the replacement filters for each system. My son went to his first day of Xplaining Algebra summer course. We might go to the pool tonight. I am all freaked out, but I was thinking that the diabetes might be a blessing in disguise if it causes me to be abstinent again.

I took some money out of envelopes which I had set aside. Now my son has only $1.00 for a drink for each golf day.
I bought another big bottle of Evian with the money. It was good. I am going to fellowship with the saints again tomorrow. My son and I went to the pool briefly today. We may go back again tonight. I spoke to my aunt about leaving the door open. One thing that is important to me, I have to switch printers, since the newer printer keeps wrinkling up the paper, acting like it is loaded incorrectly, but it isn't. I can't find the cables for the old printer, to hook it up.

Another thing, I have lost 25 pounds. The thing is, I am worried that I am developing diabetes. If I do have it, it is my fault, not God's. I have eaten a poor diet for years. At times I have blurred vision. This is gross, but I have a raging yeast infection (one of my resenments against God, I want it healed, and the medicine I used didn't heal it). Extreme thirst is a symptom, as well as weight loss. I don't really know for sure. The last time I went to the doctor my blood sugar was borderline. I can't really go to the doctor right now because I owe him some money and I can't pay it. The thing is, the dry mouth and blurred vision my be from my psychiatric medication. The weight loss may be from me getting exercise at the pool.

I reread the article on Yahoo and it was another blog site being terminated. Yay.
I drank the whole bottle of Evian water, and just wish I had some more. It is important to me. I am going to research Brita and Pur and see if either one of them delivers a good tasting water with no bitter aftertaste. Another thing that is important to me is that my aunt will quit leaving the door open during the summer here while the air conditioning is on. I want to get my bike out of layaway this month so I really don't think I can afford any water stuff, but I want water. I want water today actually.

I read on Yahoo about Blogger being cancelled.
God has done alot for me. I told Sister Melanie about us getting our phone cut off soon and she said she only pays $23.00 a month for her local service. She is going to look at the bill and find the name of the company for me. We pay $42.00 a month with Bellsouth. Also some workmen are coming to fix the doors on the house so they are not so difficult to close. Also I have lost 25 pounds from going to the pool with my son, and my stomach doesn't stick out as far. That is another blessing. God is showing me that he loves me, working out all these things. The cats started scratching my new wicker chair and I got some pet repellant today. Also, my son and I walked to the grocery store last night, and it seemed easier, like I am in better shape. I bought some Evian water which has a slightly bad after taste. The Dannon water is bad. I think I will try the Harris Teeter spring water from some spring in Tennessee, and see how that is. I crave really good water, like the kind Harris Teeter used to carry, I think President's Choice brand, from a spring in Canada. That was the best water, then they quit carrying it. That is one of the resentments I have against life, or God, I find something I really like then it is taken away. By the way, Dasani and Deer Park are bad too. I like having the blog and I will miss it. I thought it would be a testimony to God's goodness, and the fact that salvation is real, because I wouldn't lie about it. I am not saved right now, but God has been being good to me, and restoring me to the point where I am not bitter against him anymore. God is love

I got a letter from Social Services that upset me. It said I will get Medicaid, but won't get MQB. MQB pays my Medicare co-payment. That is about $35.00 to $50.00 a month. I got in touch with my worker and she said Medicaid will start paying the co-payment, though it may take a month or two.
I took my son and his friend to the pool. We stayed 'til my son's swim lessons were over. I was tired and I had been out in the sun too much. When we got home I yelled at my son and slapped him over not paying attention, playing, during swim lessons. I also told him twice today during the lessons and at previous lessons. He gets so far away from the group he can't hear the instructor, and he goes underwater and splashes water instead of listening.
Plus I specifically told the friend's mom to send money for the friend to eat at the roller rink. I am tired of feeding the kid, and he walks around here with a sense of entitlement to everything we give him plus more. My aunt ended up offering the kid a ham sandwich made wih my ham -- oh, the tuna sandwich wasn't good enough for him that my son and I ate. After skating I guarantee he will be in here hungry and thirsty again. I am going to tell his mom no next few times they call wanting us to let him come over. It would be different if we had more money for food. Then again the christian took my son and I out to eat at a fish restaurant, and that was free food. Talked to a woman today who claims to be a christian, and she told me how I need to repent, but I told her, I am pissed off at the Lord right now, how can I repent? I am just so tired of everything. It is so expensive, I can't afford to live. So many hassles, and I have no feeling of security, of being protected from the worst events of life. God has come through with, the goggles, the clarinet, the golf, the Medicaid so I can get my medicine...keep it up God.
I felt like he told me he would forgive me, and I told him I would forgive him for all the stuff I have imagined against him, but then I was mad about other stuff. I just want a pack of cigarettes even though they do no good, and if I could take something for my nerves (which I don't have).

First of all, we were going to the pool today,and there was thunder, then a rainstorm, and a lot more thunder. We finally went to the pool at 3:45. My goggles were not in the bag. I had to come back home to get them.
I looked in a bag of free clothes my son's friend's mother gave us. There were a few shirts in there my son can wear plus a pair of shorts that are a little too roomy looking but may look ok on him with a big enough shirt to balance out the look. Melanie called, a christian, she wants me and my son to come fellowship tomorrow. I don't know what it will be like for me since I am obviously not saved right now. I agreed to sign up for dsl-lite with Bellsouth today, but thinking it over it will probably be too expensive and I will have to cancel it. I only get a net savings of 10.00 on my phone bill and I really need a savings of 20.00 to keep the phone on.
I don't know if I ever mentioned that I did start a christian website, www.jesusiloveyou.org. I don't want to just cancel it even though I am unsaved, because it was a lot of work. I have been listening to messages on the realplayer from www.churchofgodoutreach.org/Files/.
I don't know how anything is going to go. Am I going to be reconciled with God, or go to hell?
Am I going to be able to afford to live here if my aunt leaves? What all will I have to have cut off to afford it, like internet, phone, cable?
Will my aunt really leave or was she just saying that? Will I end up out in the street? Will we have to sacrifice our pool membership and all activities for my son, like tennis lessons, soccer, and all that? What is is going to be like just having a bike? Or will the bike and the rest of my stuff end up in storage and will we go to a homeless shelter then get on housing assistance then get a place without enough room for my furniture, so my things will perpetually be in storage?
Does God care? Will he ever show me that he cares about the things that are important to me? Will he show me that he loves me? Am I being presumptuous, and losing out with God permanently?
I have attempted to sign up for a drug discount card with Medicare. I don't know if I will be able to stay on medication when I get to the point that I can't get to my doctor, who is 30 minutes away by car, or if I can get almost perpetual prescriptions, and pay for them with the drug card. Now I have to pick up my prescriptions at my doctor's office every 30 days, as well as go to an appointment every 30 days. I won't be able to do that without a car. By the way, my doctor diagnosed me as schizoaffective.

Some good and bad things have happened. First the bad: One of my aunt's cats puked on the beautiful cushion of my beautiful wicker chair that is pre-broken. I hope resolve gets it out. It is in two places.
The good: I found my swim goggles mixed in with my son's clothes. Also I found an eyeglasses screwdriver for only $1.50, and fixed the clarinet with it.
Today I took my son and his friend to see Garfield (the movie), and afterward dropped them off at the pool. I also registered my son with the junior golf league. That will be on Mondays throughout the rest of the summer.

Another thing that I need that I cannot afford: Pet repellant, to keep the cats from shredding a wicker chair and table. Amazingly, they seem not to have touched them so far. Did I mention we have five cats?
Another thing I am bitter about: I knew God would not let me move the furniture in the house without most of it getting broken. I was right, I noticed that the barley legged table has a taped leg I never noticed, and the wicker chair is broken in the back and at the arm. So it was pre-broken.

I had a job in an antique shop over a year ago, briefly. I laid away alot of antiques, and finished paying for them, and the shop closed. The antiques were in storage all this time. The lady called me and wanted me to get the antiques out of storage the next day. I couldn't do it until a couple of days later. Ever since she called my nerves were shot. I got off my medicine because I didn't want to be drowsy. My aunt had the idea to ask our neighbors, her landlord, to borrow their van so I woudn't have to rent a truck. There were only two seats in the van, so I led the way in my aunt's car, with my son in the car with me. My aunt was very slow in following me, like she didn't want to keep up. When we almost got to the lady's house, my aunt was driving about five miles an hour and got stopped at a light. I drove up to the turn and stopped after I turned. My aunt drove on by as I honked the horn continuously. I put on my hazard lights and sat there in the middle of the road waiting on her to turn around. She never showed up. A man from a gas station told me I was in a dangerous place. I took off after my aunt and tried to catch up with her. I drove for miles and miles. Finally I gave up and returned to a gas station, and bought some cigarettes. I cussed out God horribly, and made my son cry. Finally here came my aunt. We went to the lady's house. We were about an hour late. We got the one piece that was at the house then left for the storage facility. Got some stuff then went to another storage facility. I didn't end up getting all my things. I am still lacking a screen made out of antique doors and a box of dishes. I am upset that I did not get all my things. It was important to me.
I told God that night that I was not going to be a Christian anymore until he shows me that he loves me. Some of the resentments I have against God are: He let me buy a beautiful white couch, which I put in storage. The movers got black grease on the arm of the couch when they were moving it. Now the slipcover has to be cleaned. Do you know how much it costs to get a slipcover cleaned? At least a hundred dollars. I can't afford that. Also, on the first day of my son's swim lessons he was put in the wrong group, and on the second day they moved him, and the teacher didn't pay the least bit of attention to him. He got to swim out once, the other children, all girls, like the teacher, got to swim out three times. However, on the third day she didn't seem like she was discriminating against him anymore. My aunt has committed herself to take my son to the roller rink with a friend on Weds. night from 7 - 9. The second Wednesday, she shows up here at 7:30, because she was busy doing something else. She said when she got on foodstamps that she would buy the milk and bread and fresh veggies throughout the month. I told her today we need milk and bread, and she made an issue out of it. We got into a huge argument in which I cussed her out and slapped her sunglasses off her face,and also kicked at her. She stood there and told lies and also said that I'm dreaming if I think I can afford to keep this house after she moves out, and claimed she has been working all these two years, which she has been unemployed except for one short lived part-time job. She claimed she has been paying half the utilities all the time. On another occasion she said she has bought 90% of her food these two years. She has only been on foodstamps like two or three months. She just makes stuff up. She claims she told me she was going to be late last night because she had to go to A. C. Moore. I told her she may have thought it, but I will never be a mind reader. She said, Well you do forget things. Trying to use the mental illness thing against me. So enough about lies and liars. Another thing that upsets me is one of our cats stands on me at night when I am laying down, and paws me. He stood on me so long while I was asleep it made a bruise on the side of my breast which turned into a lump, and now hurts all the time.
Gods response to me: Today he let a screw come out of the clarinet, so I need an eyeglass repair kit which I can't afford. Also he made me lose my goggles which were in the beach bag and there's absolutely no reason why they should be lost. Both of these things are important to me. One, my son can't practice clarinet, which was my plan to have him do this summer. Two, I don't want to go to the pool without goggles. So he did a reverse miracle and showed me that he doesn't care about the things that are important to me, ergo he doesn't love me, so I think we are through with each other. I prayed one little prayer, God help me, and that is all I will pray. Yes he wins, he is omnipotent, he can make me cry, and he can send me to hell.