Salvation 100% Honest - Is it real? You be the judge. Failures, flaws, and victories.

2004-10-16T15:09:00.000-07:00

I went to a church picnic today and had a good time, I took canned ham. We played volleyball, croquet, the men played horseshoes, the children played "the popcorn game." Children then ladies played three-legged race. Children played football, and a few of them threw the frisbee. It Was fun. Later Scott showed up, the one I like, and put his chair in front of mine facing the other way. I commented on it and he said it was because he wanted to talk to Robert. Sis Faye acted like she felt bad for me at the end. she and her husband are the one's I confided in. I think it is good that I put out the fleece. One thing about this guy I don't like, he is a single guy in his 30's, and he likes children inordinately. I just find that strange. They like him too ALOT.

2004-10-13T10:26:00.000-07:00

A brother showed up for church whom I know from years ago. I have already asked him out on one occasion and he never returned my phone calls. He got saved and the next service or so I realize that I still feel that I am in love with him. I begin to have delusions about him. I get to the point where I am actually online looking at wedding dresses, but I tell the Lord at one point that I want to know this is of him and that my fleece is going to be that he asks me out. I'm not going to crash and burn by asking him out again. What I mean by a fleece is proof that something is from the Lord, like Gideon asked that the Lord make a fleece dry and dew around it wet and then the next night the fleece wet and the ground around it dry as a confirmation, he just wanted to be sure. I am disappointed. It felt so good to think that somebody loved me, that was the greatest feeling in the world. I thought that this brother kept looking at me, and that he kept showing signs that he liked me and it still seemed that he did, but whatever...this brother also acted years ago like he was in love with me and that I broke his heart I thought but that might have been my imagination or something...the reality check was when I asked him out and he said yes then never returned my calls, though he still acts like he likes me, but innuendo is not suitable. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him." The devil thinks he can bring confusion and delusion into my life and I will get disappointed and angry with the Lord but I am going to hold steady with the Lord. Yes, it is difficult to let it go, the tendrils are entwined, and I am having a hard time believing that this fantasy world is a delusion after all even after I have been shown that it is, but Devil, the Lord will help me, and I will let it Go, and I will never get mad at the Lord over it, it will only serve to draw us closer.

2004-10-03T19:20:00.000-07:00

The devil tried to get me real discouraged in between services today.

2004-10-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

Still saved, sang two songs in church "Heart of Worship," then a request, "Jesus Built a Bridge." I ordered a new Jokari online, for the same price I got the used one for from ebay before. That is the toy that got messed up, tangled on the overhead wires.
I think the Lord did deliver me from schizophrenia, as I have noticed it is easier for me to have conversations now and people aren't treating me like I'm crazy.

2004-09-29T20:43:00.000-07:00

I am still saved. I am learning how to have faith. One of the first things that happened to me after I got saved was that I bought my son a Jokari. It is a ball on an elastic string with a weight on the end, and you hit the ball back and forth. We went out in the street to test it out. After five or ten minutes it got tangled up an a wire I didn't realize went right over the road. The Jokari cost about 30.00 and we only had it a few minutes. Well Bro. Ken, who is, I guess, our pastor now, had told me to put scriptures up on my wall about faith and trust. I came in and read, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust..." from Job. I decided to trust God anyway. Now everytime I see the ball out there hanging from the wire, it reminds me of the time I trusted God.
I was believing the Lord to deliver me from schizophrenia, then it felt like he didn't, like nothing happened when I went up to get prayed for, and I got totally confused about whether I need to just have faith and did get delivered or whether I didn't. I decided that even though I am confused and don't know what to think, I will trust God and keep serving him.
My son is going to a family reunion tomorrow with my aunt. I have elected not to go.

2004-09-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

A bunch of people left my former church -- most of the congregation actually, and they have started a church here in Morganton. It is not close enough for me to ride my bike there, but I have been getting a ride with a couple who go to church there. Everyone is glad to have me back, it seems. Wednesday, September 15, 2004 I got saved.

2004-09-02T15:43:00.000-07:00

I found out I am diabetic. I have been to two classes on it, and went to the doctor again today. He upped my meds and added a new med, so this should help me greatly as far as my health goes. I keep having pain in the center of my chest...had an ekg, and it was fine. I am thinking maybe it is an emotional/spiritual thing, my heart turning to stone?
I was in a church of God Yahoo group and asked for help regarding my need for salvation, also argued or discussed a point of doctrine with the moderator, somehow this antagonized him and he began acting toward me like my former pastor did. I ended up leaving the group to get away from it, but made a friend who is willing to pray for me and help me through this. The Lord gave me a scripture showing me that I don't have faith in him, that is why I go ahead and sin instead of seeking full deliverance at all times. I also realized that I want to do some of these things, like smoke, and curse just occasionally (for emphasis). That explains why I cannot get a good experience.

2004-08-10T18:24:00.000-07:00

By the way, I only had about four days of abstinence. I have really been in the junk. Pizza, pot pies (on sale) ice cream (also on sale) etc etc. I bought about ten sodas today. I joined Netflix for a free two week trial, and found a lot of DVD's I am interested in on the site. May try to stay a member. My local movie rental place certainly doesn't have all these movies. I am enjoying the high speed internet. Also got two calls on mobile phone today, so yay, but I need to know how to turn up the ringer. I have been looking online at onlne colleges. My dream degree would be fashion design, taking classes in apparel construction etc, but I can't do that online. I can't handle the technical degrees like information technology so the only one offered that I could take would be Business Administration pretty much -- or something along those lines. I think there may be a Fashion Marketing degree I could go for. I want to keep looking into it, but usually I lose interest and move on to the next thing. I am thinking also of getting my psychiatrist to sign a form declaring me totally and permantently disabled, which means I wouldn't have to pay back my student loan but I could never get Financial Aid again. My mind is kind of shot. I am not as smart as I used to be, and I have trouble concentrating if I am reading something long or complicated.

2004-08-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

I realized something good. I can now get my wisdom teeth removed since I have Medicaid. They have been hurting for years. I used to have Medicaid and had an appointment to get my teeth seen about, but I let someone from church talk me out of it. She said God put those teeth there for a reason. I now realize she has not had a good experience with salvation and is often wrong, though sometimes she is right also. I cannot seem to have a good experience of salvation either. I think I am unsaved.
I got a mobile phone. I hope I can afford to keep up with the bill. I also got cable internet, the cheapest 19.99 connection. Only problem, now I need to keep my cable to have the internet access, and having a TV is making my son obsessed with watching it. I may be getting in over my head with these bills. I probably should have gotten Vonage phone service for 15.00 a month through the internet, because my modem will always be connected to the internet even if I turn my computer off. I think that means the phone would have worked 24/7. The mobile phone is more expensive. Am I just trying to be cool? I never go anywhere and don't really need a mobile phone.
If I can't afford it I will get it turned off, further ruin my credit, and get the Vonage. I am going around in circles. I am so neurotic. The first few days I had my phone I would stare at it. It is a Motorola T720 I think. I forgot. Anyway, it is so small, and cool. I had seen phones similar on TV -- for instance on the "Newlyweds," and really liked the phones. I felt good when I was able to get one. I have also downloaded games, and the ring I chose, Van Morrison's "Moondance," is cool (to me).
My son starts school on Monday, fifth grade. It will all hit the fan when I have to make him do his homework, and go to bed early, in other words, do anything he doesn't want to do. He seems so angry sometimes, and especially when I try to get him to quit watching TV. I thought today, maybe somehow I am manipulating the situation so that he expresses my anger for me?? One thing I realized a few days ago, he is in a bad mood alot because I am mean to him. I have tried to be nicer since I realized that. I guess I stupidly thought he was immune to my treatment of him, and that he could absorb my bad moods without repercussion.
I have been thinking of resuming work on my website, www.jesusiloveyou.org.
Son was in golf league and won a trophy for first place in his age group, by default. None of the others showed up for golf every time so they lost out. Some were absent that last day and that disqualified them. I took son to the driving range a few days ago and got a large bucket of balls. He hit a few good shots, and it was fun.
The weather here has been perfect, in the low 80's. We are supposed to have five days of this. Yay!

2004-07-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

I overate somewhat yesterday and then went and got icecream today.

2004-07-04T13:21:00.000-07:00

By the way, I ended up going with the Brita smart pitcher, as the filters cost less for it than the on-the-tap system. The water tastes basically the same as before :(
Also by the way, I have been on three bike rides with my son. :)

2004-07-04T12:53:00.000-07:00

Marlon Brando died and I am so sad. To think that he would spend an eternity in hell? I wish God would just exterminate us if we die lost.
I overate yesterday but so far today have been abstinent. I am in a much better mood, feel joy deep down when abstinent. When not abstinent just angry, negative. Marlon Brando once said that whenever he wanted comfort he would reach for food. His parents were alcoholics and they rejected him, especially his father. I guess he died without recovery. If there were some way I could be in recovery for the both of us I would. I know as a Christian - not sure I am one right now - that I should not like movie stars inordinately, but I am a fan of his. I can't help it. He was a great actor and I related to him on some level. I also thought that when he was younger he was perfect looking, the perfect Roman. Is it wrong to talk about the looks of a dead person? Oh how I wish he were not in hell. If there were some way he could have made peace at the last? I have no hope of that.

2004-07-03T16:03:00.000-07:00

I paid off my bike layaway. The bike wouldn't fit on the bike rack. The store said they would deliver the bike that day at 7 pm. They did not deliver it and they did not call to say they weren't coming. I got disappointed, very mad and cussing out God again, and broke my abstinence. Finally the bike was delivered the next day.
I have a very precarious financial situation this month. If the govt. did not pay my Medicare co-payment or if a check I bounced is re-entered then I will bounce a check or more than one. This will cause me many fees. I spent like 75.00 on groceries and that is it, that is all I had.

2004-06-29T20:17:00.000-07:00

By the way, I forgot to say that I got saved again, last Monday while reading a book called "Christie's Old Organ." I prayed while reading the book several times for salvation, and the last time the Lord answered prayer. The last prayer was different. I wanted the Holy Spirit to enable me to keep from sinning. God is faithful.
And he has given me abundant faith. Working the 12 Steps of OA is helping me, like for instance step two: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I believe.

2004-06-29T20:13:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have the key to the universe, finally.
Never give into sin, by the power of God. Never never never give into sin. It is death.

2004-06-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

Getting on Medicaid is major. Now I can get my prescriptions I need, and go to the doctor when I need to.
Thank you God.

2004-06-27T18:15:00.000-07:00

By the way, the mother took her son for the few hours between pool and roller rink, so I didn't have to worry about him.
The kid did invite himself to spend the night Friday, and I got a resentment, but I'm over it. I was angry, because I invited him to go to the Hot Diggity Dog Festival downtown, and he told his mother I invited him to spend the night as well. The mother called back and spoke to my aunt and she said it was okay. The good part was my aunt ended up taking care of the boys during the sleep over.
Also, today my son prayed he would get to play with one of his friends up the street, and he was able to do that. The friend is very busy, has a busy schedule, so he is not always available.
Melanie's phone company is also Bellsouth, so that didn't help any.

2004-06-27T18:11:00.000-07:00

I have three days of abstinence. That is OA speak for, I have not overeaten in three days. This is a major answer to prayer. At many altars I have prayed for release from "gluttony." This is God bigtime, answering prayer.
I am still unsaved, still having a problem quitting cursing.

2004-06-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

My son and I did not go to the pool last night, but we went today and only stayed about an hour and a half. Later a friend came over and they went to the pool but they were closed for a swim meet. They went to play tennis instead. I let the mother talk me into having the friend come to the pool tomorrow to swim with my son, but that means I will have to watch them for two hours after the pool closes for the daytime until skating, and I am fed up with the kid's attitude right now, plus that means I will have to feed him dinner which I resent because it happens too often and the kid complains about the food, so I am feeling kind of bad. The friend's mother said I could have gone into a diabetic coma with blood sugar level of 444. I don't know. I tried to be abstinent today but around three my stomach started hurting and I had to eat. I need to be on medicine for acid reflux.

2004-06-21T13:03:00.000-07:00

I went and fellowshipped with the saints. It was great. While I was there, however, Sis Greer offered to test my blood sugar two hours after lunch. It was 444. It should have been 128 or so to be normal. This says that yes I do have diabetes. I realized that I am a food addict. I am doing something that is destroying me and I keep doing it. I used to be in Overeaters Anonymous, but the leader of my group was jealous of me. She made me Literature Chairperson, and immediately took away my job, said she would buy the literature when she was in Charlotte.
S sabotaged me in OA. I was abstinent and had lost lots of weight, and I looked good. She knew I liked M. She talked me into giving my story, even though I wasn’t ready for it. She said M would be there. Of course M wasn’t there. As soon as I gave my story it was like I lost all power to be abstinent. I think the next day was the day before Thanksgiving, and that was the day I lost my abstinence. I was searching for my Aunt’s house, and she had given very bad directions, and finally I got fed up and bought, then ate, something that I shouldn’t have. The next day I was around my family and my grandmother was pressuring me to eat breakfast even though I didn’t want to. The combination of all this was I lost my abstinence and left OA and the abuse of S.
Today I got back into OA. I have worked step one, and I have contacted a woman who was recommended to me as a sponsor. Waiting to hear back. I also went to an online OA meeting. I went to Walmart and looked at different water filtration systems, priced the replacement filters for each system. My son went to his first day of Xplaining Algebra summer course. We might go to the pool tonight. I am all freaked out, but I was thinking that the diabetes might be a blessing in disguise if it causes me to be abstinent again.

2004-06-19T13:37:00.000-07:00

I took some money out of envelopes which I had set aside. Now my son has only $1.00 for a drink for each golf day.
I bought another big bottle of Evian with the money. It was good. I am going to fellowship with the saints again tomorrow. My son and I went to the pool briefly today. We may go back again tonight. I spoke to my aunt about leaving the door open. One thing that is important to me, I have to switch printers, since the newer printer keeps wrinkling up the paper, acting like it is loaded incorrectly, but it isn't. I can't find the cables for the old printer, to hook it up.

2004-06-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

Another thing, I have lost 25 pounds. The thing is, I am worried that I am developing diabetes. If I do have it, it is my fault, not God's. I have eaten a poor diet for years. At times I have blurred vision. This is gross, but I have a raging yeast infection (one of my resenments against God, I want it healed, and the medicine I used didn't heal it). Extreme thirst is a symptom, as well as weight loss. I don't really know for sure. The last time I went to the doctor my blood sugar was borderline. I can't really go to the doctor right now because I owe him some money and I can't pay it. The thing is, the dry mouth and blurred vision my be from my psychiatric medication. The weight loss may be from me getting exercise at the pool.

2004-06-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

I reread the article on Yahoo and it was another blog site being terminated. Yay.
I drank the whole bottle of Evian water, and just wish I had some more. It is important to me. I am going to research Brita and Pur and see if either one of them delivers a good tasting water with no bitter aftertaste. Another thing that is important to me is that my aunt will quit leaving the door open during the summer here while the air conditioning is on. I want to get my bike out of layaway this month so I really don't think I can afford any water stuff, but I want water. I want water today actually.

2004-06-17T10:48:00.000-07:00

I read on Yahoo about Blogger being cancelled.
God has done alot for me. I told Sister Melanie about us getting our phone cut off soon and she said she only pays $23.00 a month for her local service. She is going to look at the bill and find the name of the company for me. We pay $42.00 a month with Bellsouth. Also some workmen are coming to fix the doors on the house so they are not so difficult to close. Also I have lost 25 pounds from going to the pool with my son, and my stomach doesn't stick out as far. That is another blessing. God is showing me that he loves me, working out all these things. The cats started scratching my new wicker chair and I got some pet repellant today. Also, my son and I walked to the grocery store last night, and it seemed easier, like I am in better shape. I bought some Evian water which has a slightly bad after taste. The Dannon water is bad. I think I will try the Harris Teeter spring water from some spring in Tennessee, and see how that is. I crave really good water, like the kind Harris Teeter used to carry, I think President's Choice brand, from a spring in Canada. That was the best water, then they quit carrying it. That is one of the resentments I have against life, or God, I find something I really like then it is taken away. By the way, Dasani and Deer Park are bad too. I like having the blog and I will miss it. I thought it would be a testimony to God's goodness, and the fact that salvation is real, because I wouldn't lie about it. I am not saved right now, but God has been being good to me, and restoring me to the point where I am not bitter against him anymore. God is love

2004-06-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

I got a letter from Social Services that upset me. It said I will get Medicaid, but won't get MQB. MQB pays my Medicare co-payment. That is about $35.00 to $50.00 a month. I got in touch with my worker and she said Medicaid will start paying the co-payment, though it may take a month or two.
I took my son and his friend to the pool. We stayed 'til my son's swim lessons were over. I was tired and I had been out in the sun too much. When we got home I yelled at my son and slapped him over not paying attention, playing, during swim lessons. I also told him twice today during the lessons and at previous lessons. He gets so far away from the group he can't hear the instructor, and he goes underwater and splashes water instead of listening.
Plus I specifically told the friend's mom to send money for the friend to eat at the roller rink. I am tired of feeding the kid, and he walks around here with a sense of entitlement to everything we give him plus more. My aunt ended up offering the kid a ham sandwich made wih my ham -- oh, the tuna sandwich wasn't good enough for him that my son and I ate. After skating I guarantee he will be in here hungry and thirsty again. I am going to tell his mom no next few times they call wanting us to let him come over. It would be different if we had more money for food. Then again the christian took my son and I out to eat at a fish restaurant, and that was free food. Talked to a woman today who claims to be a christian, and she told me how I need to repent, but I told her, I am pissed off at the Lord right now, how can I repent? I am just so tired of everything. It is so expensive, I can't afford to live. So many hassles, and I have no feeling of security, of being protected from the worst events of life. God has come through with, the goggles, the clarinet, the golf, the Medicaid so I can get my medicine...keep it up God.
I felt like he told me he would forgive me, and I told him I would forgive him for all the stuff I have imagined against him, but then I was mad about other stuff. I just want a pack of cigarettes even though they do no good, and if I could take something for my nerves (which I don't have).

*Salvation* 100% Honest - Is it real? You be the judge. Failures, flaws, and victories.

Salvation 100% Honest - Is it real? You be the judge. Failures, flaws, and victories.