Salvation 100% Honest - Is it real? You be the judge. Failures, flaws, and victories.

2004-10-16T15:09:00.000-07:00

I went to a church picnic today and had a good time, I took canned ham. We played volleyball, croquet, the men played horseshoes, the children played "the popcorn game." Children then ladies played three-legged race. Children played football, and a few of them threw the frisbee. It Was fun. Later Scott showed up, the one I like, and put his chair in front of mine facing the other way. I commented on it and he said it was because he wanted to talk to Robert. Sis Faye acted like she felt bad for me at the end. she and her husband are the one's I confided in. I think it is good that I put out the fleece. One thing about this guy I don't like, he is a single guy in his 30's, and he likes children inordinately. I just find that strange. They like him too ALOT.

2004-10-13T10:26:00.000-07:00

A brother showed up for church whom I know from years ago. I have already asked him out on one occasion and he never returned my phone calls. He got saved and the next service or so I realize that I still feel that I am in love with him. I begin to have delusions about him. I get to the point where I am actually online looking at wedding dresses, but I tell the Lord at one point that I want to know this is of him and that my fleece is going to be that he asks me out. I'm not going to crash and burn by asking him out again. What I mean by a fleece is proof that something is from the Lord, like Gideon asked that the Lord make a fleece dry and dew around it wet and then the next night the fleece wet and the ground around it dry as a confirmation, he just wanted to be sure. I am disappointed. It felt so good to think that somebody loved me, that was the greatest feeling in the world. I thought that this brother kept looking at me, and that he kept showing signs that he liked me and it still seemed that he did, but whatever...this brother also acted years ago like he was in love with me and that I broke his heart I thought but that might have been my imagination or something...the reality check was when I asked him out and he said yes then never returned my calls, though he still acts like he likes me, but innuendo is not suitable. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him." The devil thinks he can bring confusion and delusion into my life and I will get disappointed and angry with the Lord but I am going to hold steady with the Lord. Yes, it is difficult to let it go, the tendrils are entwined, and I am having a hard time believing that this fantasy world is a delusion after all even after I have been shown that it is, but Devil, the Lord will help me, and I will let it Go, and I will never get mad at the Lord over it, it will only serve to draw us closer.

2004-10-03T19:20:00.000-07:00

The devil tried to get me real discouraged in between services today.

2004-10-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

Still saved, sang two songs in church "Heart of Worship," then a request, "Jesus Built a Bridge." I ordered a new Jokari online, for the same price I got the used one for from ebay before. That is the toy that got messed up, tangled on the overhead wires.
I think the Lord did deliver me from schizophrenia, as I have noticed it is easier for me to have conversations now and people aren't treating me like I'm crazy.

2004-09-29T20:43:00.000-07:00

I am still saved. I am learning how to have faith. One of the first things that happened to me after I got saved was that I bought my son a Jokari. It is a ball on an elastic string with a weight on the end, and you hit the ball back and forth. We went out in the street to test it out. After five or ten minutes it got tangled up an a wire I didn't realize went right over the road. The Jokari cost about 30.00 and we only had it a few minutes. Well Bro. Ken, who is, I guess, our pastor now, had told me to put scriptures up on my wall about faith and trust. I came in and read, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust..." from Job. I decided to trust God anyway. Now everytime I see the ball out there hanging from the wire, it reminds me of the time I trusted God.
I was believing the Lord to deliver me from schizophrenia, then it felt like he didn't, like nothing happened when I went up to get prayed for, and I got totally confused about whether I need to just have faith and did get delivered or whether I didn't. I decided that even though I am confused and don't know what to think, I will trust God and keep serving him.
My son is going to a family reunion tomorrow with my aunt. I have elected not to go.

2004-09-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

A bunch of people left my former church -- most of the congregation actually, and they have started a church here in Morganton. It is not close enough for me to ride my bike there, but I have been getting a ride with a couple who go to church there. Everyone is glad to have me back, it seems. Wednesday, September 15, 2004 I got saved.

2004-09-02T15:43:00.000-07:00

I found out I am diabetic. I have been to two classes on it, and went to the doctor again today. He upped my meds and added a new med, so this should help me greatly as far as my health goes. I keep having pain in the center of my chest...had an ekg, and it was fine. I am thinking maybe it is an emotional/spiritual thing, my heart turning to stone?
I was in a church of God Yahoo group and asked for help regarding my need for salvation, also argued or discussed a point of doctrine with the moderator, somehow this antagonized him and he began acting toward me like my former pastor did. I ended up leaving the group to get away from it, but made a friend who is willing to pray for me and help me through this. The Lord gave me a scripture showing me that I don't have faith in him, that is why I go ahead and sin instead of seeking full deliverance at all times. I also realized that I want to do some of these things, like smoke, and curse just occasionally (for emphasis). That explains why I cannot get a good experience.

2004-08-10T18:24:00.000-07:00

By the way, I only had about four days of abstinence. I have really been in the junk. Pizza, pot pies (on sale) ice cream (also on sale) etc etc. I bought about ten sodas today. I joined Netflix for a free two week trial, and found a lot of DVD's I am interested in on the site. May try to stay a member. My local movie rental place certainly doesn't have all these movies. I am enjoying the high speed internet. Also got two calls on mobile phone today, so yay, but I need to know how to turn up the ringer. I have been looking online at onlne colleges. My dream degree would be fashion design, taking classes in apparel construction etc, but I can't do that online. I can't handle the technical degrees like information technology so the only one offered that I could take would be Business Administration pretty much -- or something along those lines. I think there may be a Fashion Marketing degree I could go for. I want to keep looking into it, but usually I lose interest and move on to the next thing. I am thinking also of getting my psychiatrist to sign a form declaring me totally and permantently disabled, which means I wouldn't have to pay back my student loan but I could never get Financial Aid again. My mind is kind of shot. I am not as smart as I used to be, and I have trouble concentrating if I am reading something long or complicated.

2004-08-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

I realized something good. I can now get my wisdom teeth removed since I have Medicaid. They have been hurting for years. I used to have Medicaid and had an appointment to get my teeth seen about, but I let someone from church talk me out of it. She said God put those teeth there for a reason. I now realize she has not had a good experience with salvation and is often wrong, though sometimes she is right also. I cannot seem to have a good experience of salvation either. I think I am unsaved.
I got a mobile phone. I hope I can afford to keep up with the bill. I also got cable internet, the cheapest 19.99 connection. Only problem, now I need to keep my cable to have the internet access, and having a TV is making my son obsessed with watching it. I may be getting in over my head with these bills. I probably should have gotten Vonage phone service for 15.00 a month through the internet, because my modem will always be connected to the internet even if I turn my computer off. I think that means the phone would have worked 24/7. The mobile phone is more expensive. Am I just trying to be cool? I never go anywhere and don't really need a mobile phone.
If I can't afford it I will get it turned off, further ruin my credit, and get the Vonage. I am going around in circles. I am so neurotic. The first few days I had my phone I would stare at it. It is a Motorola T720 I think. I forgot. Anyway, it is so small, and cool. I had seen phones similar on TV -- for instance on the "Newlyweds," and really liked the phones. I felt good when I was able to get one. I have also downloaded games, and the ring I chose, Van Morrison's "Moondance," is cool (to me).
My son starts school on Monday, fifth grade. It will all hit the fan when I have to make him do his homework, and go to bed early, in other words, do anything he doesn't want to do. He seems so angry sometimes, and especially when I try to get him to quit watching TV. I thought today, maybe somehow I am manipulating the situation so that he expresses my anger for me?? One thing I realized a few days ago, he is in a bad mood alot because I am mean to him. I have tried to be nicer since I realized that. I guess I stupidly thought he was immune to my treatment of him, and that he could absorb my bad moods without repercussion.
I have been thinking of resuming work on my website, www.jesusiloveyou.org.
Son was in golf league and won a trophy for first place in his age group, by default. None of the others showed up for golf every time so they lost out. Some were absent that last day and that disqualified them. I took son to the driving range a few days ago and got a large bucket of balls. He hit a few good shots, and it was fun.
The weather here has been perfect, in the low 80's. We are supposed to have five days of this. Yay!

2004-07-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

I overate somewhat yesterday and then went and got icecream today.

2004-07-04T13:21:00.000-07:00

By the way, I ended up going with the Brita smart pitcher, as the filters cost less for it than the on-the-tap system. The water tastes basically the same as before :(
Also by the way, I have been on three bike rides with my son. :)

2004-07-04T12:53:00.000-07:00

Marlon Brando died and I am so sad. To think that he would spend an eternity in hell? I wish God would just exterminate us if we die lost.
I overate yesterday but so far today have been abstinent. I am in a much better mood, feel joy deep down when abstinent. When not abstinent just angry, negative. Marlon Brando once said that whenever he wanted comfort he would reach for food. His parents were alcoholics and they rejected him, especially his father. I guess he died without recovery. If there were some way I could be in recovery for the both of us I would. I know as a Christian - not sure I am one right now - that I should not like movie stars inordinately, but I am a fan of his. I can't help it. He was a great actor and I related to him on some level. I also thought that when he was younger he was perfect looking, the perfect Roman. Is it wrong to talk about the looks of a dead person? Oh how I wish he were not in hell. If there were some way he could have made peace at the last? I have no hope of that.

2004-07-03T16:03:00.000-07:00

I paid off my bike layaway. The bike wouldn't fit on the bike rack. The store said they would deliver the bike that day at 7 pm. They did not deliver it and they did not call to say they weren't coming. I got disappointed, very mad and cussing out God again, and broke my abstinence. Finally the bike was delivered the next day.
I have a very precarious financial situation this month. If the govt. did not pay my Medicare co-payment or if a check I bounced is re-entered then I will bounce a check or more than one. This will cause me many fees. I spent like 75.00 on groceries and that is it, that is all I had.

2004-06-29T20:17:00.000-07:00

By the way, I forgot to say that I got saved again, last Monday while reading a book called "Christie's Old Organ." I prayed while reading the book several times for salvation, and the last time the Lord answered prayer. The last prayer was different. I wanted the Holy Spirit to enable me to keep from sinning. God is faithful.
And he has given me abundant faith. Working the 12 Steps of OA is helping me, like for instance step two: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I believe.

2004-06-29T20:13:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have the key to the universe, finally.
Never give into sin, by the power of God. Never never never give into sin. It is death.

2004-06-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

Getting on Medicaid is major. Now I can get my prescriptions I need, and go to the doctor when I need to.
Thank you God.

2004-06-27T18:15:00.000-07:00

By the way, the mother took her son for the few hours between pool and roller rink, so I didn't have to worry about him.
The kid did invite himself to spend the night Friday, and I got a resentment, but I'm over it. I was angry, because I invited him to go to the Hot Diggity Dog Festival downtown, and he told his mother I invited him to spend the night as well. The mother called back and spoke to my aunt and she said it was okay. The good part was my aunt ended up taking care of the boys during the sleep over.
Also, today my son prayed he would get to play with one of his friends up the street, and he was able to do that. The friend is very busy, has a busy schedule, so he is not always available.
Melanie's phone company is also Bellsouth, so that didn't help any.

2004-06-27T18:11:00.000-07:00

I have three days of abstinence. That is OA speak for, I have not overeaten in three days. This is a major answer to prayer. At many altars I have prayed for release from "gluttony." This is God bigtime, answering prayer.
I am still unsaved, still having a problem quitting cursing.

2004-06-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

My son and I did not go to the pool last night, but we went today and only stayed about an hour and a half. Later a friend came over and they went to the pool but they were closed for a swim meet. They went to play tennis instead. I let the mother talk me into having the friend come to the pool tomorrow to swim with my son, but that means I will have to watch them for two hours after the pool closes for the daytime until skating, and I am fed up with the kid's attitude right now, plus that means I will have to feed him dinner which I resent because it happens too often and the kid complains about the food, so I am feeling kind of bad. The friend's mother said I could have gone into a diabetic coma with blood sugar level of 444. I don't know. I tried to be abstinent today but around three my stomach started hurting and I had to eat. I need to be on medicine for acid reflux.

2004-06-21T13:03:00.000-07:00

I went and fellowshipped with the saints. It was great. While I was there, however, Sis Greer offered to test my blood sugar two hours after lunch. It was 444. It should have been 128 or so to be normal. This says that yes I do have diabetes. I realized that I am a food addict. I am doing something that is destroying me and I keep doing it. I used to be in Overeaters Anonymous, but the leader of my group was jealous of me. She made me Literature Chairperson, and immediately took away my job, said she would buy the literature when she was in Charlotte.
S sabotaged me in OA. I was abstinent and had lost lots of weight, and I looked good. She knew I liked M. She talked me into giving my story, even though I wasn’t ready for it. She said M would be there. Of course M wasn’t there. As soon as I gave my story it was like I lost all power to be abstinent. I think the next day was the day before Thanksgiving, and that was the day I lost my abstinence. I was searching for my Aunt’s house, and she had given very bad directions, and finally I got fed up and bought, then ate, something that I shouldn’t have. The next day I was around my family and my grandmother was pressuring me to eat breakfast even though I didn’t want to. The combination of all this was I lost my abstinence and left OA and the abuse of S.
Today I got back into OA. I have worked step one, and I have contacted a woman who was recommended to me as a sponsor. Waiting to hear back. I also went to an online OA meeting. I went to Walmart and looked at different water filtration systems, priced the replacement filters for each system. My son went to his first day of Xplaining Algebra summer course. We might go to the pool tonight. I am all freaked out, but I was thinking that the diabetes might be a blessing in disguise if it causes me to be abstinent again.

2004-06-19T13:37:00.000-07:00

I took some money out of envelopes which I had set aside. Now my son has only $1.00 for a drink for each golf day.
I bought another big bottle of Evian with the money. It was good. I am going to fellowship with the saints again tomorrow. My son and I went to the pool briefly today. We may go back again tonight. I spoke to my aunt about leaving the door open. One thing that is important to me, I have to switch printers, since the newer printer keeps wrinkling up the paper, acting like it is loaded incorrectly, but it isn't. I can't find the cables for the old printer, to hook it up.

2004-06-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

Another thing, I have lost 25 pounds. The thing is, I am worried that I am developing diabetes. If I do have it, it is my fault, not God's. I have eaten a poor diet for years. At times I have blurred vision. This is gross, but I have a raging yeast infection (one of my resenments against God, I want it healed, and the medicine I used didn't heal it). Extreme thirst is a symptom, as well as weight loss. I don't really know for sure. The last time I went to the doctor my blood sugar was borderline. I can't really go to the doctor right now because I owe him some money and I can't pay it. The thing is, the dry mouth and blurred vision my be from my psychiatric medication. The weight loss may be from me getting exercise at the pool.

2004-06-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

I reread the article on Yahoo and it was another blog site being terminated. Yay.
I drank the whole bottle of Evian water, and just wish I had some more. It is important to me. I am going to research Brita and Pur and see if either one of them delivers a good tasting water with no bitter aftertaste. Another thing that is important to me is that my aunt will quit leaving the door open during the summer here while the air conditioning is on. I want to get my bike out of layaway this month so I really don't think I can afford any water stuff, but I want water. I want water today actually.

2004-06-17T10:48:00.000-07:00

I read on Yahoo about Blogger being cancelled.
God has done alot for me. I told Sister Melanie about us getting our phone cut off soon and she said she only pays $23.00 a month for her local service. She is going to look at the bill and find the name of the company for me. We pay $42.00 a month with Bellsouth. Also some workmen are coming to fix the doors on the house so they are not so difficult to close. Also I have lost 25 pounds from going to the pool with my son, and my stomach doesn't stick out as far. That is another blessing. God is showing me that he loves me, working out all these things. The cats started scratching my new wicker chair and I got some pet repellant today. Also, my son and I walked to the grocery store last night, and it seemed easier, like I am in better shape. I bought some Evian water which has a slightly bad after taste. The Dannon water is bad. I think I will try the Harris Teeter spring water from some spring in Tennessee, and see how that is. I crave really good water, like the kind Harris Teeter used to carry, I think President's Choice brand, from a spring in Canada. That was the best water, then they quit carrying it. That is one of the resentments I have against life, or God, I find something I really like then it is taken away. By the way, Dasani and Deer Park are bad too. I like having the blog and I will miss it. I thought it would be a testimony to God's goodness, and the fact that salvation is real, because I wouldn't lie about it. I am not saved right now, but God has been being good to me, and restoring me to the point where I am not bitter against him anymore. God is love

2004-06-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

I got a letter from Social Services that upset me. It said I will get Medicaid, but won't get MQB. MQB pays my Medicare co-payment. That is about $35.00 to $50.00 a month. I got in touch with my worker and she said Medicaid will start paying the co-payment, though it may take a month or two.
I took my son and his friend to the pool. We stayed 'til my son's swim lessons were over. I was tired and I had been out in the sun too much. When we got home I yelled at my son and slapped him over not paying attention, playing, during swim lessons. I also told him twice today during the lessons and at previous lessons. He gets so far away from the group he can't hear the instructor, and he goes underwater and splashes water instead of listening.
Plus I specifically told the friend's mom to send money for the friend to eat at the roller rink. I am tired of feeding the kid, and he walks around here with a sense of entitlement to everything we give him plus more. My aunt ended up offering the kid a ham sandwich made wih my ham -- oh, the tuna sandwich wasn't good enough for him that my son and I ate. After skating I guarantee he will be in here hungry and thirsty again. I am going to tell his mom no next few times they call wanting us to let him come over. It would be different if we had more money for food. Then again the christian took my son and I out to eat at a fish restaurant, and that was free food. Talked to a woman today who claims to be a christian, and she told me how I need to repent, but I told her, I am pissed off at the Lord right now, how can I repent? I am just so tired of everything. It is so expensive, I can't afford to live. So many hassles, and I have no feeling of security, of being protected from the worst events of life. God has come through with, the goggles, the clarinet, the golf, the Medicaid so I can get my medicine...keep it up God.
I felt like he told me he would forgive me, and I told him I would forgive him for all the stuff I have imagined against him, but then I was mad about other stuff. I just want a pack of cigarettes even though they do no good, and if I could take something for my nerves (which I don't have).

2004-06-12T17:18:00.000-07:00

First of all, we were going to the pool today,and there was thunder, then a rainstorm, and a lot more thunder. We finally went to the pool at 3:45. My goggles were not in the bag. I had to come back home to get them.
I looked in a bag of free clothes my son's friend's mother gave us. There were a few shirts in there my son can wear plus a pair of shorts that are a little too roomy looking but may look ok on him with a big enough shirt to balance out the look. Melanie called, a christian, she wants me and my son to come fellowship tomorrow. I don't know what it will be like for me since I am obviously not saved right now. I agreed to sign up for dsl-lite with Bellsouth today, but thinking it over it will probably be too expensive and I will have to cancel it. I only get a net savings of 10.00 on my phone bill and I really need a savings of 20.00 to keep the phone on.
I don't know if I ever mentioned that I did start a christian website, www.jesusiloveyou.org. I don't want to just cancel it even though I am unsaved, because it was a lot of work. I have been listening to messages on the realplayer from www.churchofgodoutreach.org/Files/.
I don't know how anything is going to go. Am I going to be reconciled with God, or go to hell?
Am I going to be able to afford to live here if my aunt leaves? What all will I have to have cut off to afford it, like internet, phone, cable?
Will my aunt really leave or was she just saying that? Will I end up out in the street? Will we have to sacrifice our pool membership and all activities for my son, like tennis lessons, soccer, and all that? What is is going to be like just having a bike? Or will the bike and the rest of my stuff end up in storage and will we go to a homeless shelter then get on housing assistance then get a place without enough room for my furniture, so my things will perpetually be in storage?
Does God care? Will he ever show me that he cares about the things that are important to me? Will he show me that he loves me? Am I being presumptuous, and losing out with God permanently?
I have attempted to sign up for a drug discount card with Medicare. I don't know if I will be able to stay on medication when I get to the point that I can't get to my doctor, who is 30 minutes away by car, or if I can get almost perpetual prescriptions, and pay for them with the drug card. Now I have to pick up my prescriptions at my doctor's office every 30 days, as well as go to an appointment every 30 days. I won't be able to do that without a car. By the way, my doctor diagnosed me as schizoaffective.

2004-06-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

Some good and bad things have happened. First the bad: One of my aunt's cats puked on the beautiful cushion of my beautiful wicker chair that is pre-broken. I hope resolve gets it out. It is in two places.
The good: I found my swim goggles mixed in with my son's clothes. Also I found an eyeglasses screwdriver for only $1.50, and fixed the clarinet with it.
Today I took my son and his friend to see Garfield (the movie), and afterward dropped them off at the pool. I also registered my son with the junior golf league. That will be on Mondays throughout the rest of the summer.

2004-06-10T14:55:00.000-07:00

Another thing that I need that I cannot afford: Pet repellant, to keep the cats from shredding a wicker chair and table. Amazingly, they seem not to have touched them so far. Did I mention we have five cats?
Another thing I am bitter about: I knew God would not let me move the furniture in the house without most of it getting broken. I was right, I noticed that the barley legged table has a taped leg I never noticed, and the wicker chair is broken in the back and at the arm. So it was pre-broken.

2004-06-10T13:57:00.000-07:00

I had a job in an antique shop over a year ago, briefly. I laid away alot of antiques, and finished paying for them, and the shop closed. The antiques were in storage all this time. The lady called me and wanted me to get the antiques out of storage the next day. I couldn't do it until a couple of days later. Ever since she called my nerves were shot. I got off my medicine because I didn't want to be drowsy. My aunt had the idea to ask our neighbors, her landlord, to borrow their van so I woudn't have to rent a truck. There were only two seats in the van, so I led the way in my aunt's car, with my son in the car with me. My aunt was very slow in following me, like she didn't want to keep up. When we almost got to the lady's house, my aunt was driving about five miles an hour and got stopped at a light. I drove up to the turn and stopped after I turned. My aunt drove on by as I honked the horn continuously. I put on my hazard lights and sat there in the middle of the road waiting on her to turn around. She never showed up. A man from a gas station told me I was in a dangerous place. I took off after my aunt and tried to catch up with her. I drove for miles and miles. Finally I gave up and returned to a gas station, and bought some cigarettes. I cussed out God horribly, and made my son cry. Finally here came my aunt. We went to the lady's house. We were about an hour late. We got the one piece that was at the house then left for the storage facility. Got some stuff then went to another storage facility. I didn't end up getting all my things. I am still lacking a screen made out of antique doors and a box of dishes. I am upset that I did not get all my things. It was important to me.
I told God that night that I was not going to be a Christian anymore until he shows me that he loves me. Some of the resentments I have against God are: He let me buy a beautiful white couch, which I put in storage. The movers got black grease on the arm of the couch when they were moving it. Now the slipcover has to be cleaned. Do you know how much it costs to get a slipcover cleaned? At least a hundred dollars. I can't afford that. Also, on the first day of my son's swim lessons he was put in the wrong group, and on the second day they moved him, and the teacher didn't pay the least bit of attention to him. He got to swim out once, the other children, all girls, like the teacher, got to swim out three times. However, on the third day she didn't seem like she was discriminating against him anymore. My aunt has committed herself to take my son to the roller rink with a friend on Weds. night from 7 - 9. The second Wednesday, she shows up here at 7:30, because she was busy doing something else. She said when she got on foodstamps that she would buy the milk and bread and fresh veggies throughout the month. I told her today we need milk and bread, and she made an issue out of it. We got into a huge argument in which I cussed her out and slapped her sunglasses off her face,and also kicked at her. She stood there and told lies and also said that I'm dreaming if I think I can afford to keep this house after she moves out, and claimed she has been working all these two years, which she has been unemployed except for one short lived part-time job. She claimed she has been paying half the utilities all the time. On another occasion she said she has bought 90% of her food these two years. She has only been on foodstamps like two or three months. She just makes stuff up. She claims she told me she was going to be late last night because she had to go to A. C. Moore. I told her she may have thought it, but I will never be a mind reader. She said, Well you do forget things. Trying to use the mental illness thing against me. So enough about lies and liars. Another thing that upsets me is one of our cats stands on me at night when I am laying down, and paws me. He stood on me so long while I was asleep it made a bruise on the side of my breast which turned into a lump, and now hurts all the time.
Gods response to me: Today he let a screw come out of the clarinet, so I need an eyeglass repair kit which I can't afford. Also he made me lose my goggles which were in the beach bag and there's absolutely no reason why they should be lost. Both of these things are important to me. One, my son can't practice clarinet, which was my plan to have him do this summer. Two, I don't want to go to the pool without goggles. So he did a reverse miracle and showed me that he doesn't care about the things that are important to me, ergo he doesn't love me, so I think we are through with each other. I prayed one little prayer, God help me, and that is all I will pray. Yes he wins, he is omnipotent, he can make me cry, and he can send me to hell.

2004-05-31T21:54:00.000-07:00

My aunt says that she is moving out in about two months. She can't find a job around here anywhere. If she will move out her belongings, which she says she is going to do, then if I can get my things out of storage, maybe I could begin to feel at home here. I have always wanted a home, but I have never felt that sense of home before. If it is true that she is moving, I am glad I have the bike laid away. It will be my only means of transportation. We live in a really central location. A lot of stores, restaurants, and amenities are within biking distance. Maybe if I am careful I can afford to live here. The utilities are high. I am just leaning on Christ, trusting in his goodness.

2004-05-27T13:49:00.000-07:00

I prayed fervently about my anger problem, being angry all the time. It has been about a week since I have felt angry. I have felt angry a few times, but just normal angry, nothing that endures. I used to be in an angry mood all the time and the Lord delivered me. Thank the Lord!

2004-05-10T19:17:00.000-07:00

I have an anger problem. I seem to need to forgive my mother. It seems the Lord showed me to just eat one meal a day, dinner, and the rest of the time drink water. I know it makes sense, since I want to get rid of this huge gut, and God does not really want people to be grossly overweight -- temperate in all things.

2004-05-07T14:21:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have posted. I have had several victories and several defeats I guess. First the bad. I got into a heated argument with my aunt, and I used at least two curse words during the argument towards her. I still have hate and I think maybe covetousness in my heart. I have been praying for my aunt and other family members, believing God will help me and give me love for my enemies.
I went to get my things out of my car, and turn the plates in. The car was sitting in a junkyard by the car repair place. It wasn't with the cars they were still working on but had been put aside. I went ahead and got everything out of the car, and went and turned my tag in. I layed away a bike. It is a Giant brand, Revive model. It is expensive but something even a fat person can ride. It is a comfort bicycle. You don't have to bend over to ride it, but you sit upright. I am having a hard time in a way, accepting a bike as my means of transportation, but it is a victory in one way also because I am trusting the Lord about it.
I had a good time fellowshipping with some saints in Asheville a few weeks ago. We talked about some things that had been bothering us about our former church, and also sang. I sang, "More Than Wonderful." It was a really nice day. No one seemed to like my potato salad, though. Oh well.

2004-04-15T13:20:00.000-07:00

I had a bad day where I was mad at the Lord. I committed a sin. One sin several times. The next day or so I repented, confessed, asked forgiveness, and was restored to salvation by the Lord. So I am okay now. That is what is meant by, "If we sin, we have an advocate with the Father." It doesn't mean habitual sin, because habitual sin shows that the person never has truly repented, and they aren't saved, or they would have the Power of the Lord to help them overcome the world.

2004-04-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

One thing I have to add to keep this honest.
I screwed up again and prayed a selfish prayer, I think it was for a dollar to rent a movie.
It's not that I never pray for myself. I feel like the Lord showed me to pray for my needs instead of wants. But this I prayed with my son during the day, and so I began searching around for some change or a dollar bill.
I thought I was supposed to look in a certain box in the basement.
In that box was an old easter basket and sealed cards my aunt never delivered to the proper recipient, being from members of her former church addressed to others. They were several years old. Once again, I opened sealed envelopes as I did before with the pizza thing. These envelopes had no cash in them. It was wrong of me to open those sealed envelopes even if they never were going to be given to the proper recipient.
My aunt was a pastor, and someone gave her the basket and envelopes to deliver apparently, and she neglected to do so. She is not pastor there anymore.
A while ago I had a conversation with another mother, one of my son's friends mothers.
Her name is Kim. I told her Justice has racing thoughts, and she said that is a symptom of ADD or ADHD. It encouraged me to look into that.
So I told my aunt about the conversation and she acted like she had been saying all along Justice had ADD or ADHD and I was only now realizing this. She has never mentioned it before.
I am not doing good at being meek and just taking the things she says. She also brought up another subject and insulted me. I said, "Thanks," and walked out. Sometimes I feel like I just can't take it anymore.
About these negative revelations about my family. The Lord showed me this is not equal to his revealed will. He just got me in touch with my feelings. In other words, my feelings are that my grandmother wanted me fat. It is something I have always known and yet blocked out. But it is not the word of the Lord that she did want me fat, nor just because I hate her is it God's will that I hate her. I have to know what my feelings are first, though, before anything else will be revealed.
I thought knowing my feelings, getting out of denial, would cause me to feel happy and also not to overeat. So far, nothing has resulted. I feel terrible and still overeat.

2004-04-04T14:31:00.000-07:00

I want to put uncopyrighted religious books on the web. I have this attitude, "I am going to do it." I need a new attitude. I don't have any business doing anything unless it is the Lord's will.
I had a bad day the day before yesterday. I was driving in moderate rain on the highway with a defective windshield wiper on my side, and I kept having all these panic attacks. I hate it when people slow down in front of me or put on their brake or change their rate of speed often. Also I lost (and found) the car remote and my debit card during the shopping trip.
My mood was really bad. I had no victory, in the trial. I was very anxious.
I ended up not laying away a computer but I paid to have the cable TV on and bought a scanner. The reason I bought the scanner is for the purpose of putting the copyright free books on the web. I bought some items for my son as well.
I have been reading obeygod.com and stopsinning.net and obeygod.com burnt me up on some things, like doing things that are for entertainment instead of always concentrating on the Lord's work -- saving of souls. They are street preachers. I got to thinking I was not even saved, but the Lord showed me I am still saved.
These web sites tell many good things, that cannot be refuted through scripture.
I wonder if they have a preach spirit, though. If their salvation rests on having to go out and preach. We should all work for the salvation of souls, but we have to be led of the Lord. Jesus said go out and preach the gospel to every creature. Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything. I want zeal, and I want to win souls. I need wisdom, not just zeal.
I wonder if I did the right thing about paying for the cable to be turned on. At the time I felt I should do what was in my heart. I want there to be two activities available in the den, either two computers or computer and TV. As it was, there was only the computer and only one person at a time could be on it.
The way the testimonies on obeygod.com made me feel is that I should get rid of the video games, not have the cable hooked up, and if my son is bored, have him read the Bible or something.
There is a difference in fanatic and somebody endeavoring to walk closely with the Lord, and surrender all. The first is not led of the Lord, though they think they are. The second one is led of the Lord.
I still have not sorted all this out, but I will make progress on it and report.
I know I need to quit making rash foolish mistakes in my walk, and also have more victory in trials.
The rash foolish mistakes I have made are that I taught my son the european symbol for "up yours." Hand and upraised fist. I should have slowed down and realized thouroughly that wasn't right. I felt a check in my spirit but plowed ahead anyway.
I thought I heard my son cuss and I asked him if he said the word ---- and said it to him. He didn't say the word, but I DID. What an idiot!
I am very worried about the ungodly things we might see on TV, and whether or not it will ruin us.
I am worried about my son. He is growing up so fast, and I need to impart spiritual lessons to him. I read him a Bible story most nights but he needs to be learning more before he leaves home.
I am not meek with him. Sometimes I play fight with him and slap at him and such. I also have this way of making up names to call him. I call him Dwayne, and that means dumb, and I tell him he is a loser and I called him an imbecile the other day twice.
I want him to straighten up so bad and quit back talking and acting lazy about everything, and defiant!

2004-03-29T13:09:00.000-08:00

I was in a chat room and told someone that if they were sure they were saved and still had a problem in their life that they needed to pray it through. Realized afterward this is what I needed to hear also, about the overeating thing. I began to pray about it. God never convicted me that it was gluttony. That is what people in the ancient world used to practice, like in Rome, eating delicious foods for the flavors, and throwing up to be able to eat more. I had a person tell me it was idolatry, putting food before God. God never convicted me of that. He just showed me that I have emotions that are painful for me, and I compulvisely eat to avoid those emotions. So like I said, I began to pray. God helped me. He showed me that my family is not really a family, to not go around them anymore. I will have to find my real family in Christ. Hopefully that will include my son. He showed me a lot of things about my grandparents, who raised me, that would not be proper for me to disclose to the world. I don't believe he showed me for that reason. The things he showed me are things I knew, but had been blocking out. I never wanted to be fat. My grandmother wanted me to be fat so my grandfather would quit leering at me when I was a teenager and began to develop and become seriously attractive. I was on a diet and wanted to be very thin, "hot" thin. But I wanted to please her, thinking it would gain me love. I have suffered a lot from being unloved, but as God showed me everyone has psychology to deal with. We will see how this goes.
Oh, another thing he did was show me through a book I ordered from www.faithpublishing.com "Parent and Child," that I need to discipline my son more and not let him get away with being disobedient. I did so, it was quite an ordeal, but my son is behaving himself much better now, and my feelings of anger have decreased.
I feel like what I need to do to get back to the joy I had when I was first saved is to work out these issues that affect me emotionally like this.

2004-03-25T19:59:00.000-08:00

I took the form over to Social Services for my son's health insurance, NC Health Choice. The last paycheck from my aunt was not included, but a letter from her former employer was, stating the date her employment ended. Right there at the end I was thinking, "No one is going to get any documentation, and I am going to have to change the form. I cannot handle my son not having health insurance." I called my aunt's former employer, our neighbors and landlords, and so they sent over the letter. I don't know if Social Services will accept the letter so it may still be up in the air.
My son needs a jaw widener orthodontic device, which costs 1,000 and that doesn't include any braces at all. My aunt seems to be expecting me to pay her car payment for her when I get my money at the first of the month. That would be in addition to the money I will have to pay to keep the utilities on, my contribution to the household, plus virtually all the food.
I don't want to pay the car payment because someone already gave her money to pay off her car and I think she spent some of it and that is why she owes money now. I don't know that for sure, but the car was supposed to be paid off and she was spending alot at that time after she received that money. I have very little money, I only make 12,000 or so a year including my benefit and my sons half benefit he gets for having a disabled parent. I have money 12 times a year to spend some. I want to spend that on myself and my son. I think alot about that spending money and try not to make any mistakes in what I buy.
I just don't see why I am responsible for my aunt.

2004-03-22T20:35:00.000-08:00

A sister in the Lord suggested we start a web site. It is to encourage people in the Lord. It is www.heavenly-comfort-zone.com. Ever since I started working on the site I have craved a cigarette. Could it be SATAN!? I hope you have seen the Church Lady skit by Dana Carvey, or that may sound weird.
Anyway, I have also been getting offended with my sister in the Lord over nothing. So there you go again.
My computer has a Java problem, sometimes the Pagebuilder software konks out and I have to shut the computer all the way down then restart. Otherwise I can't save the pages I am working on. It is getting old. I can only save my pages a few times before it konks out. I have downloaded Java, and it is better than it was. Before it wouldn't even launch sometimes. I am so glad I won my computer in a raffle, because I would hate to pay all that money and then have these glitches.
I am considering either buying a computer, getting my son a gamecube, or getting the cable hooked up. When he is home we both want to be on the computer, and there is "nothing else to do." I have been reading my Bible alot, but I don't have the urge to do that ALL the time. My son didn't get his homework done. He had an upset stomach. He has acid reflux just like me and is only comfortable if he is stuffed full of food, just like me.

2004-03-18T19:17:00.000-08:00

I called a member of the church I used to go to, and told him that I got saved. I asked him to mention it to the pastor there, and see what he says about me coming back to church there. He sounded cold toward me on the phone. The last time I was at church the pastor came and shook my hand -- it was at an all day meeting-- and he had sort of a hardened look on his face.
All I did was have a breakdown in church and start crying because I felt the pastor kept criticizing me during his preaching, and I was doing my best.
That, and out in the parking lot I yelled, "This is just like with Brother Rice, and with Sister Melanie! He won't be happy until I am gone!"
I talked too much in church, testified too much.
I sang some songs which the Lord blessed miraculously. I sang some repeats of those songs that flopped.
I feel I have humiliated myself by asking to be "let back in," and also worried about what might happen.
The devil has been trying to discourage me, tell me I am not even saved. He has tried to throw up inconsistencies in the Bible in my face. I still believe in God, though. I know he is real, the God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob, and the God of Jesus, and I know I am saved. So I do not know what to make of these inconsistencies.
God has shown me several of my pet theories are false.
One was that the creation of the devil started in Eden, when Eve got a wrong spirit, that the devil comes from man, since we are spiritual beings and get wrong spirits. After being introduced to the devil via his subtle lies toward me lately, there is no way he comes from man.
Several times I have had to say that he is brilliant, and in one way a person could admire him, because he is so good at what he does. He has really been getting me discouraged!
Another pet theory is that the account of creation is an account of when God terraformed the earth, which used to be like the moon or Mars, desolate, no atmosphere. I reread Genesis and it talks about God creating the stars and the sun at the same time as creating life on earth.
Now I don't know how to reconcile known physics and the Bible, since the universe is supposed to be billions of years old.
One time I was thinking of the hamper full of 100 dollar bills, and the Lord told me, I will give you...and he showed me the city of transluscent gold, and gems. It wasn't like a vision or anything, more like a visual thought. Living in that city brings more happiness than all the world's treasures. I need to work on "Godliness with contentment is great gain."
I have been looking online, and emailed an ebay seller who offers a 6 month layaway on computers. I have been wanting to buy my son a real nice gaming computer, and also get one with Radeon TV wonder in case I ever decide to get cable, so I can have it be like a media center computer and do TIVO type recording. I have been getting stirred up through that to WANT. This computer thing may not be right, since it is affecting me this way.

2004-03-16T18:56:00.000-08:00

When I first got saved I was full of joy. I smiled all the time. I still feel that joy at times, but my anger has returned. I read recently that anger is a spirit.
There have been several areas where I have failed God. I should only eat what I feel led to eat, instead of pigging out. I have been daydreaming about having a laundry hamper full of 100 dollar bills. "Having food and rainment therewith be content." I should be more meek. I felt like the Lord showed me that the person I am around who criticizes me a lot can help me grow spiritually, if I will take it without saying a word like Jesus took the mocking, and spitting that was heaped on him before His crucifixion. I haven't done all that well at it. It's scary to think I can lose my salvation, and I have such a cunning adversary (the devil). I am a lazy person and could end up losing my salvation by lack of vigilance. I want to be safe forever, in heaven!! Maybe the devil is just getting me discouraged.
He keeps telling me,"You don't know if your salvation is real" (Because I have to take it by faith.) "Commit a sin, it doesn't have to be a big one. Then if you lose your salvation you will know it was real, and you can turn around and get saved again." This is the equivalent of what he told Eve in the garden of Eden.
There is something I am having to surrender to the Lord. I have to accept it if I never have another car again. My car is in the shop, and it has been in for months. They can't figure out what is wrong with it, and they are foreign car specialists. I just feel led to try to get to the point where even if the car isn't fixed and I never have another car, I can accept it as the Lord's will--equally to the way I could accept it if the car was fixed. The apostle Paul never had a car.
I am not there yet, but I am getting there.

2004-03-15T13:29:00.000-08:00

I prayed to the Lord for 15 dollars so we could get a pizza. I hunted around in some of my aunt's things and found a quarter. I hunted around a lot more and found nothing. I got a sealed letter down from the cabinet that had been here ever since I moved in over a year ago. For some reason no one had ever given the letter to the recipient. The letter was from one of our neighbors to another neighbor. I opened the letter. There was a note and 5 dollars in it. I could get a Little Caesar's pizza, and with some money from a debit card, a two liter off-brand soda.
I told my son what happened and he wasn't happy about it. He said it was a sin.
I can't imagine Jesus opening someone's sealed letter. My aunt didn't come home with the car so we couldn't get the pizza that night. I wanted the pizza that night.
By the way, my plan all along was to pay my neighbor back when I got some money next month. The money had been there over a year, what difference would two weeks make?
My son brought up the subject again today, after I had settled it with my aunt that we would use the car to get the pizza today. I felt that IF it wasn't a sin, that it least had the appearance of evil, and the Bible says avoid even the appearance of evil. For my son's sake I got the 5 dollars, and I got the note out of the trash. It had coffee and a few coffee grounds on it. I sent my son over with the note and the money to the neighbor's house.
I may have lost my salvation, or be treading on dangerous ground. The Bible says if we sin, we have an advocate with the Father.
Maybe the root of the problem is I had no business praying the way I did for a pizza like that, since we had food in the house. I don't think we are supposed to pray selfishly.

2004-03-12T10:16:00.000-08:00

The Lord had me to pick up a hitchhiker today. I know, it's dangerous, but I also know it was the Lord.
He had been hitchhiking since yesterday and stayed out last night. He was thankful it wasn't so cold last night. He had no money and hadn't had anything to eat since yesterday.
I was able to bring him to a soup kitchen. However, the kitchen closed 15 minutes before we got there. They gave him a plate of food anyway!
I took him back to the highway. I only gave him a ride of about 20 miles.
I saw things in myself that need to be changed. I was overly interested in the food he got. I am fat. I speed too much and am impatient while driving. I have other flaws too. I want God to purge me, to make me perfect before Him. I haven't told you yet that I am on psychiatric medication. I act weird, wooden. I was nervous, that's why I acted stiff. I told him that I am not sure where the Lord wants me to live, that I often question that, whether He wants me to live here or move elsewhere. I told him about my car being in the shop and how the glow plugs need to be fixed, and as a diesel the car doesn't like cold weather. That would seem to rule out living in the mountains. But I told Him, I will end up living wherever the Lord wants me to live, and that I have only been saved a few weeks.
The man said, "I believe in Jesus Christ."
I wish I would have been a better person, and God would have had me say something like, "Are you living free from sin?" I wish I could have been so much a better witness to him.

2004-03-10T10:12:00.000-08:00

This happened a few days ago.
My son went to a playground with a another boy. He rode one of his bikes and let the other boy ride his other bike. I didn't know he let the other boy ride the other bike, since this boy one time took my son's bike and kept it in his grandmother's storage shed for a long time, then gave the bike back.
There was more trouble this time. A boy was waiting at the playground when they got there. Now the two boys told my son, let us ride your bikes somewhere, we won't be gone but a minute. My son said okay. So they just stayed gone.
I went to the boy's grandmothers house and told them what happened. I told my aunt to call the police. The police reportedly said they couldn't do anything about it since we didn't have serial numbers for the bikes.
My son and I prayed about it. About 15 minutes later the boys and one of their Fathers showed up with the bikes. The police had found them and talked to them!

2004-03-09T10:39:00.000-08:00

I have been getting stressed out about things, and have had to give my responsibilities to God, and trust Him to handle them. One of them is a yearly application for health insurance for my son. God showed me I have the victory, because I do not want to lie on the application, and I will not lie. I have to leave it to God as to whether or not my son has health insurance. What has had me in a panic is that I was worried that my aunt's income from a job she has had would knock us over the limit, and I won't be able to get health insurance for my son. I was also worried about providing the documentation. I don't know if my aunt has saved her check stubs. I was able to give it to God and he helped me fill out most of the form and also to see that I have victory...whether or not my son ends up with health insurance. I just have to trust God about that.
One thing which has proven tricky is the issue of what I eat. I have previously been in a twelve step program for overeating (Overeaters Anonymous). I have not been abstinent in years. Abstinent means a person eats only what is on their food plan. Taking a bite over the food plan would be like an alcoholic taking a drink.
I thought that the Lord showed me to get back on a food plan I had been on in the past, and to start a notebook about my emotions that cause me to reach for food.
I had one day of abstinence, then the next day, yesterday, I had a complete meltdown and ate a lot. I have started thinking that someone I fellowshipped with the other day doesn't like me very much. Rejection and also having to separate from others because of their behaviour are my triggers.
I know the Bible says, "Make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof." Now I am believing what the Lord wants is not a food plan, but just to eat what he shows me to when he shows me to, and not to keep a notebook. I will have to see how this goes.

2004-03-04T07:14:00.000-08:00

I prayed, God help me to never smoke another cigarette again. I put out the cigarette I was smoking and ran the rest of the pack under water.
Later I started craving a cigarette, but I had this attitude that I will never smoke another one again. That attitude was not in me before. I think God has done another miracle and put a new attitude within me.
I am still going through withdrawals, but so far so good, and if this attitude lasts it is definitely a miracle.

2004-03-03T14:37:00.000-08:00

It all started when I got a Gospel Trumpeter. I read an article about how we need to read our Bible everyday, even if it is just one verse. I had not been reading my Bible for a very long time, so I decided to do this. I put some effort into it on my part.
I began by reading one verse. God immediatley convicted me with the scripture I read that I was not saved. I read a few verses for a few more nights, then I began reading more in my Bible. At the same time I checked into www.possumroadchurchofgod.com and found out about "Evening Light" radio station on Live365.com.
I also found a book I wanted on ebay but I couldn't afford it. I did a search on the author on Google and found the book on the Faith Publishing House site: www.theshop.net/faithpub/fpbooks.html. The name of the book is "The Secret of Salvation" by E. E. Byrum. I was able to order the book. By the way, if you go to the site, the book is listed under "The" not "Secret."
I had my hopes up that this book would help me.
I also ordered some other books which I have not read.
I read the book and it DID help me. I learned that the reason I never could get saved was that I didn't know how to repent properly. There were two sides to this.
One was the fact that I wasn't really sorry for my sins. I viewed things from a psychological perspective and was of the opinion, look at my childhood, the way I was raised, what do you expect. God showed me everybody was psychology affect them, I was still a sinner.
The other part of this was I needed a deep felt desire to totally turn away from sin and walk holily with God. My attitude was, "Here I am, if you want me to move, God move me." I knew I could not get the right attitude about this. I prayed several times, "God give me the desire to relinquish all sin, help me to truly repent."
God miraculously put the right attitude within me, and I knew this was my chance, because if you deep down want to turn from sin and you cry out to God to help you, you will get saved. This is just one of the things I learned from the book.
I knelt down and asked God to save me, in so many words, praying to him, and Halleluiah, he answers prayer. He saved a miserable, disgusting, lowlife like me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank God. More to come...

*Salvation* 100% Honest - Is it real? You be the judge. Failures, flaws, and victories.

Salvation 100% Honest - Is it real? You be the judge. Failures, flaws, and victories.